I woke up this morning missing my incredible dog, Tucker. He wasn’t just a dog, though, he was a gift in my life and a best friend for 17 years. Tucker took care of me and he was always there when I needed him.

Our Last Goodbye

I remember saying goodbye to Tucker vividly. I wrapped my arms around his warm, but thin body and pet his golden fur. He put his gigantic paws on my shoulders and rested his chin on my head. I thanked him through my sniffles and tears for all of the joy he had given me and I told him that I would understand if he had to go before I came back home. As I backed out of the driveway, he peaked his face through the front window, just like he always did, and I somehow knew that it would be the last time I saw his sweet face. I wanted to take a photo, but the moment was too precious to disturb, this was our last goodbye.

I spent the next few months as an intern in Portland, Oregon, a place I have always wanted to visit. Near the end of my internship, my family informed me that Tucker wasn’t doing well. He suffered terribly for almost 2 days, unable to keep food down or get up to go potty. We all knew it was time to say goodbye.

I searched frantically for flights, but there weren’t any options to bring me home in time for the euthanasia procedure. I couldn’t let my best friend suffer for even one more day just so I could pet his soft ears one last time. I let my family know that I understood that he would have to go without me and they facetimed me so I could at least tell him “I love you” from the cyber world. (*side note: whether or not it was worth watching my dog die via facetime….I don’t know. I personally wouldn’t recommend it.)

“Oh the Places You’ll Go” and the Things You Will Miss

I am so grateful for being an independent person. I am persistent and tenacious and I truly believe that I can do most everything by myself. However, I also recognize that I am selfish. You simply can’t be independent without being selfish. You have to miss things in other people’s lives and you have to leave some people behind. I keep going the way I do, alone, because the emptiness I feel when I am not chasing my dreams is unbearable, more unbearable than the sadness I feel from missing important events.

This morning is just one example of the many times I am reminded of the things I miss while I am away. I didn’t get to hold my best friend’s paw when he passed away because I was building my resume in Oregon. I didn’t get to go wedding dress shopping with my sister because I am studying for my Ph.D. in Italy. I also wasn’t able to watch my sister graduate from the Police Academy. These are big events that I missed because I am chasing my dreams.

The Curse of Independence

It isn’t easy to be away, but it is what I have to do. This is the curse of independence. I feel trapped when I am not out exploring this vast world we live in, I feel sad and wrong. Life feels wrong and worthless when I am not chasing my dreams and my dreams involve going to places far from home. I’ve missed important events in the lives of the people I love and I will continue to miss significant moments.

As an independent person, I know that I can’t have the cake and eat it, too. I know what I am sacrificing and I feel the pain that comes from these sacrifices often. Right now I choose to sacrifice experiences with my loved ones so I can feel complete by actively searching for my purpose in life. Is it selfish? Yes. Does it hurt? Sometimes yes. Is it wrong? Absolutely not.