You know the Bon Jovi song: “It’s My Life”? Well, that tune just popped in my little brain this morning as I was thinking about life and living. I had this epifany moment in which I realized that I want nothing more than to live my life.

Life as a Bachelorette

I’ve basically always been single and what that has taught me is that I have my own life to live and I want that. If there is an opportunity waiting for me in a place I’ve never been before, I’m going to go for it. I don’t want to be held back with emotional ties, which may sound selfish, in fact it is selfish, but I don’t mind. Chasing opportunities is one of the things I love most in life and makes life worth living for. I’ve lost relationships because I chased opportunities and while there are some days when I miss that person and the feeling of being a couple, I wouldn’t go back and do it again. There are relationships I could have stayed in, but I wouldn’t have been living my life or even our life. Instead, I would be living their life. It can be fun to play house and everything can be a bit easier when someone else has already created their own life situation and welcomed me into it, but that situation will never be my own. If I am to ever settle down with someone, we must create a mutual situation where we both are open to building our life, which is seemingly not feasible because I’m not sure what that looks or feels like for myself.

Being Alone Isn’t Always Lonely

I love living alone because it gives me the freedom to really see what it is that I want in my day to day life. I know what my sleep schedule is like, when I have motivation to work, what food makes me feel the most healthy and what creature comforts I need. I feel absolutely blissful in my own little space, with my own things and needs. If my little space is disturbed, well, I also feel disturbed. This is my challenge with adult relationships. I have my needs that I have learned and implemented over the years and other people have their needs that they have learned and implemented over the years. So, how can two well thought out frameworks for living be merged together without complete chaos? I am certain of the things that make me feel comfortable and happy. I know I am certain because I am also always willing to try new things, yet I find myself happiest when I can go back to my perfectly created space.

I feel lonely sometimes, but I’ve also felt lonely even when surrounded by other people and/or a significant other. I feel lonely when I don’t feel like I’m being seen or like my needs are being met. I feel lonely when I am screaming for comfort with my eyes and noone sees it. I can solve that feeling by myself. I know how to nurture and care for myself, how to calm myself down, cheer myself up. It seems daunting to be in a situation where I trust someone else to do that for me. What if they can’t? I’ll be disappointed and hurt.

Love is a beautiful thing, I feel so much joy for my family and friends that are part of a loving relationship. However, in all honesty, a lot of what I see in relationships is quite superficial and doesn’t interest me at all. I can count on one hand the couples I know that, in my eyes, display true love. However, I know of countless couples and I’ve seen some extreme levels of compromise that is really just painful to watch. I’m not sure if I am willing to make compromises at all in my life, I know that’s something I should work on. I am, however, 100% sure that I never want to be stuck in a situation where the compromises I make force me away from my goals, dreams, passions, life.

I want to live my life!