It is becoming quite evident to me that learning how to improve myself is less than half of the battle. Learning, is the easy part. What is truly difficult is implementing the lessons learned. The logical argument for implementation does not make the process of implementation any less painful. However, recognizing what the true challenge is, is a big step for my self-improvement. Growth takes a lot of work.

I know about myself that affection is very emotional and confusing for me. It has been this way since I was a child. I did not hug my friends really until about highschool and it didn’t feel comfortable to do so until university, probably, honestly it is still uncomfortable for me at times. Affection is confusing to me because I have learned about myself that intimate behavior, like hugging, is very much connected to my emotional response to romance.

Knowing this fact about myself is certainly a sign of progress, however, the real challenge is acknowledge and setting the boundary with other people who might not understand. Affection is very emotional for me, however, not all people have a similar relationship to affection. Therefore, it can be awkward and painful to tell a friend that I cannot be cuddled or touched in a certain way, if we are to remain friends. It is not that I do not care for my friends, I do LOVE my friends. However, the emotions that develop for me with physical touch are emotions that I need to reserve for romantic partnerships, otherwise I will be confused and I really do not enjoy feeling confused.

Some people might not understand this phenomenon and might feel confused or say that I am overreacting. This is a hard pill to swallow, but at the end of the day, only I can know my truth and my truth is that I reserve most affection for my romantic partners. Knowing the truth and expressing the truth are two different things, however. Expressing the truth still hurts. Of course I will miss affection or want to show that I care through affection, but for me, I cannot do that without feeling confused. Other people who show their care through affection, even in a non-romantic way emotionally, may feel hurt that I cannot accept that form of care. I understand that, however, I cannot welcome it into my life because it has proven to be unhealthy.

I am historically confused by many people in my life that have been very affectionate friends. To me, they were not just friends and to be told that I was only seen as a friend was terribly hurtful. My new approach is to be upfront about this truth right away and I am so proud of myself for figuring this. It is not easy to be upfront, it hurts me probably as much as it hurts the person I am telling it to. What would hurt me more, though, would be to try and change who I am to make another person happy or comfortable. In the end, it doesn’t work and it leads to a more sever pain, this I know for sure.