*Trigger Warning: I do share details about my rape here and they may cause discomfort to someone reading.

“Sexual assault and rape are NEVER the victim’s fault”. I used to write that sentence exactly in this way on the chalk or white board at my high school when I and other “Peer Counselors” would teach our fellow students about sexual assault and rape. I would make the class repeat after me two to three times, “Sexual assault and rape are NEVER the victim’s fault”. At the time I thought I understood just how important it was to believe this phrase, however, I realize now that I didn’t actually understand fully what victim blaming is at that time. I didn’t fully know what it meant to NEVER blame the victim and I didn’t fully understand why it is so important to NEVER blame a victim of sexual assault or rape.

Victim Blaming Causes a Reliving of Trauma

Before I can dive into what it means to “relive” trauma, I need to start with victim blaming, because to me they are very connected. Victim blaming is what causes me to “relive” my trauma more than the memories or the triggers. Now that I am a victim of rape, I understand what it means to be blamed as the victim in a way that I did not understand before. I have chosen to be open about my rape because it empowers me to hope that someone who needs to hear my story will hear it, victims and predators alike, so that they can either heal (in the case of the victim) or be woken up to their inappropriate behavior (in the case of the predator). Furthermore, I see the importance of sharing my story because there are still far too many people who are uneducated on the topic. There is a cost to being open, the cost is that noone could ever prepare me for just how few people actually understand what consent is, what victim blaming is, what their words do to me, and what their ignorance does to me.

I was told by the people who care about me and by my counselor and by the organization who trained me to become an instructor of sexual assault and rape prevention, “you will face many challenges if you choose to tell your story as a victim of rape and sexual assault”. I heard them, I listened to them, and I thought I understood, but the reality is that I did not fully understand the challenges I would face. I had to live the challenges myself and having done that, I find it necessary to spell out clearly what victim blaming is.

Victim Blaming

Victim blaming by definition is: “a devaluing act that occurs when the victim(s) of a crime or an accident is held responsible – in whole or in part – for the crimes that have been commited against them” (https://crcvc.ca/docs/victim_blaming.pdf). Seems like a straight forward definition, right? Victim blaming is clearly defined and it is acknowledged by the judiciary system, however, many people still blame the victim. I think that indicates that examples of victim blaming are in order. Therefore, some examples of victim blaming that I experienced first hand are as follows (in the order of least obvious to most obvious), accompanied by an explanation of why they are victim blaming and what they do to me:

• “I have shared a tent with your rapist many times and he never even lifted a finger.”
  • This comment defends my rapist and says that I must be lying because after this woman had been in the same situation as me numerous times, she was never touched by the man who raped me. This comment totally strips the validity of my story by suggesting that I must be lying because it never happened to her before. This type of comment makes me question my sanity and question my memory of the incident.
• “Your rapist is just stupid, he isn’t a predator.”
  • This suggests that I am at fault for not fully clarifying that I did not want a penis inside of my body. This also suggests that it is my responsibility to know the IQ level of someone who did not listen to me saying, “I am not horny”. It makes me feel as though I am overreacting to the sick feeling in my stomach when I remember a penis forced into my dry vagina. It makes me feel like I should pity the person who traumatized me.
• “I am sure the situation is difficult for both of you.”
  • This comment suggests that the rapist has experienced trauma for his actions. This comment indicates that I must have done something wrong, that I hurt my rapist because I did not want to have sex with him, even though he had sex with me anyway. This also suggests that he is hurt by the fact that he had sex with my limp body and even finished with an orgasm while my face was turned to the ground so I could hide my tears. This comment makes me feel disgusted that anyone would have the audacity to believe that someone who only benefitted from traumatizing me, must also be having a difficult time. I wish I could have responded to her by showing her the nightmares I have or having her feel the sickness in my stomach whenever I remember the scene of my rape.
• “It is not fair to call someone a rapist because of a misunderstanding or miscommunication.”
  • This comment disregards the fact that I had a full discussion with my rapist that I did not want to have sex with him anymore because he has a girlfriend and I am not comfortable being more than friends. This comment suggests that I was not clear enough when I said “I am not horny”. This comment suggests that the incident is my fault even thought I never said “Yes” (which is, by definition, the only way to communicate consent). As a victim, this comment makes me go back in time to when I still thought I was overreacting about the physical and psychological pain I feel everyday due to having been raped.
• “Denouncing someone in a public place can result in you being charged for slander.”
  • This comment suggests that the information I am sharing is not factual. This comment makes me feel ashamed and afraid for sharing my story in the hopes of warning others about the behavior of the man who raped me. A comment like this acts as a means to tell victims of assault that they should stay quiet, probably until it is too late to actually do something about what happened to them.
• “If your rapist really knew what he did, he would be mortified, you should explain to him.”
  • This comment suggests that I should see or speak to the person who traumatized me, so that he can be given the opportunity to explain himself. A comment like this indicates that who said it believes that I am obliged to fully explain my trauma because I already made the mistake of not being clear and that this lack of clarity is why I was raped. This comment enrages me because if I even picture my rapist, I feel sick to my stomach, my vagina is in pain, and I think only about my rape and wonder why I couldn’t do more to protect myself.
• “Men like your rapist have this “latin lover” mentality.”
  • This comment indicates that being a rapist is simply a way of living or loving. It blames me for not being accepting of the “latin lover” style of man. This comment makes me feel like I am unaccepting of some types of people.
• “A similar thing happened to me, too, but I had to accept that it was my fault for not clearly saying “No”.”
  • This comment literally says that it is my fault that I was raped. When I was told this, I was not only sad that this woman moved on from her rape by taking all of the blame, but also hurt that she was telling me that I am wrong to blame the person who traumatized me. This comment lingers with me and causes me to question the validity of my psychological and physical pain, something that I already do.
• “Since you had consensual sex with him before, the judge or others will fail to understand that you were raped.”
  • This comment actually came from a lawyer and showed to me immediately that he was not on my side. The reason I knew he wasn’t on my side is because this comment says that he is in doubt about the lack of consent since there was consent once before. This comment indicates that giving consent once, means consent for any other time and blames me for not knowing this. This comment again caused me to question the validity of my story despite the fact that I am fully aware that sex requires consent EACH AND EVERY time. Just because I say yes to sex once, it does not mean that I am saying yes to it for every time I am asked in the future.
• “Did you say no?”
  • This question suggests that saying “no” is the only way to not give consent, therefore, I am already to blame if I did not say, specifically, “no”. Consent is only given with a clear and cohesive “yes”, therefore, the lack of “no” does not indicate consent. In any case, “I am not horny” has always been enough for me before and since it wasn’t this time, questions like this cause me to question the validity of my feelings and make me wonder, again, if it all really is my fault.
• “Was it violent?”
  • This question tells the victim that rape is only a crime if it involves violence (i.e. a knife or gun held agains the victim, legs forcibly spread apart and violent penetration paired with agressive grabbing and/or other physical abuse). Therefore, this question can cause a victim to believe that an acquaintance rape or other rape scene is not valid, it is a form of victim blaming because it strips the validity of a story that does not match a violent scene. For me, this question really just causes shame that my rape wasn’t bad enough to be considered a big deal despite the psychological and physical pain I feel after the fact. I feel ashamed for being so hurt by what happened to me when someone asks this question.
• “Do you have proof?”
  • This question immediately suggests that the victim needs some type of evidence for their story to be verified or valid. Questions like this show that who is asking it do not know that only 2-10% of reported rapes are false (https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-45565684). As a victim it makes me feel like I should have found a way to document the pain and disgust in my body, maybe catch my tears in a jar for further analysis. It makes me feel like I should have found a mark on my body somewhere or somehow record the thoughts I had in my head while I was being raped. These are all things that would have been impossible to do and also would have not even been considered acceptable forms of evidence so it only blames me for not achieving something that would have been impossible to achieve.

Reliving the Trauma

Before I had been raped, I had not been traumatized in my life, therefore, I could only guess what “reliving” trauma really meant. I thought that reliving a trauma might be like in the movies when a character has a memory and the scene goes to a time when that same character was in a different place at a different time. I imagined that it would be like my mind was traveling back in time and me feeling, smelling, seeing and hearing all of the same things as I did in my trauma. Like some type of lucid dream or out of body experience. At least for me, this is not what reliving a trauma feels like.

Physical Reliving

When I “relive” my trauma physically, I don’t travel back in time to the scene of the rape. Instead, I just feel things in different parts of my body, almost like the lingering pain that I get after wacking my elbow on the wall by accident or stubbing my toe on a piece of furniture. In my low stomach I feel a bit tight and sick, as if I ate something that doesn’t agree with me. In my vagina, I feel a sensation that is difficult to describe, but more or less as if there is something there that shouldn’t be and it makes my spine tighten and my face cringe. I can actually feel the chafing I felt when my rapist forced his penis in and out of my body. In the whole region of my groin I feel an uncomfortable tingle, like that part of my body wants to hide and run away. These are the physical sensations I have when I discuss my rape, either because someone asked me about it, decides to text me or message me some usolicited advice or opinions on my rape, when I choose to talk about it, and even when someone is contacting me just to give support, sadly.

Psychological Reliving

Psychologically, I remember the thoughts that were going through my mind as I was being raped. I remember thinking, “I don’t want to have sex, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings”, “Why is he still going when I said, I’m not horny?”, “Should I say something more, or can I just kind of wiggle with discomfort so he gets the picture?”, “I don’t feel wet and this is starting to hurt”, and finally “I hope he finishes soon”. The last one, “I hope he finishes soon” still makes me cry when I think and read it because this is when I turned my face to the ground and started to cry. I feel so ashamed that I let myself down, just let him continue and hoped it wouldn’t last much longer.

I sometimes see his face if I hear a man say “scusa mi” (it means “excuse me”) because that is what he said when I told him to not lick me so he would stop licking my face. When men look at me, I feel naked, like no matter how many clothes I have on that I am being visually undressed, which must have been how my rapist looked at me when I was wearing my leggings and long sleeve shirt. Sometimes the memories come out of nowhere, and the whole story plays again in my head, I just kind of watch it and try to find any missing pieces, I still can’t remember how things started because I was asleep when he started to touch me. My brain hurts still trying my absolute hardest to remember exactly how my clothes came off.

Moving On

I am not sure if the way I “relive” my trauma is the same as others do. In any case, I hope that sharing the triggers (i.e. victim blaming) and sharing what it feels like for me to relive the rape, might help other survivors out there better understand their own feelings if they have any confusion about it. I also want people who are uneducated on the topic to undestand the lasting impression that rape has on someone. It has been 1.5 years since I was raped and my body still feels it and my memories are still vivid.

I want it to be clear that I ask myself everyday to please just forget about this and move on, to stop thinking about it and stop feeling it, to leave the past in the past. I remember, though, because it happened and I cannot just flip a switch and have the whole experience go away. I have to remind myself that there is some wisdom to the tattoo I got on my shoulder when I was 17 of Sankofa. Sankofa is “a metaphorical symbol used by the Akan people of Ghana, generally depicted as a bird with its head turned backward taking an egg from its back. It expresses the importance of reaching back to knowledge gained in the past and bringing it into the present in order to make positive progress” (https://cola.siu.edu/africanastudies/about-us/sankofa.php). I have always lived by the philosphy that “forgive and forget” is just a way of saying that injustices are OK, meanwhile “looking back to remember, so you can move forward” is how I can accept that what has happened to me is a part of me forever, it shapes who I am and I am not holding a grudge by remembering. Acknowledging my trauma is how I will learn to love myself again because it was not my fault that I was raped and even though I didn’t want this to happen, it did. I can’t change that, not even if I forget about it.

Much Love,

Val

p.s. a song I wrote to help me get some power back: https://youtu.be/nK_R8ZjmRfU