I have been thinking a lot lately about where I am in life. A lot about how when I was young I could not wait to be an independent adult in full control of any and everything. I see now, annoyingly, that wishing for the future was naive. More than naive, it was ill-informed, immature, dense, narrow. I painted a picture of the adult me without knowing the steps it would take to get there. I told myself, “Be smart, Valentina. Study a topic that will land you a job. Network with people in science.” But, my passion isn’t science and it never has been. Well, at least not in the general sense of the word “science”.

From my perspective “science” can be any well-thought out approach to better understand something. Science is about curiosity and exploration. It is about finding clues on an adventure to find a hidden treasure. I think there are scientists all around us, even if they don’t hold the fancy “Ph.D.” title. Especially if they don’t, actually, because scientists are just people who develop and implement a methodical approach to discovering something new and one does not need 20+ years of education to do that. In fact, I can tell you from experience, that the Ph.D. at the end of my name indicates nothing more than a willingness to put up with an outdated, hierarchical, oppressive system that prioritizes quantity of publications over quality of research. My soul feels like it is dying the longer I stay surrounded by individuals with a Ph.D. Individuals who have lost their touch with curiousity because they don’t have time for it. I don’t want to be in the club of scientists who have been grandfathered into that title. I don’t want to be a part of this rat race.

But, where can I go? What can I do? I spent the majority of my life as a student learning how to be a part of a rat race. My naivety stripped me from the joys of my life: creativity, music, activity, and threw me into a world I had imagined through rose colored glasses. And the worst part is that I only have myself to blame. I pushed and pushed myself to fit into a box I simply cannot and will not fit into and now I feel lost and without purpose. Years of effort and education feel like nothing more than a heavy weight on my shoulders and guilt on my conscience for not being more grateful for being where I am. This wasn’t little me’s dream, though. Little Valentina wanted to be an Olympic athlete. She wanted to design her house in the shape of a hippopotamus and paint each room in the theme of a different African animal. She wanted to create. She wanted to travel the world and learn dying languages and bring them back to life. She wanted to do something important. She wanted to change the world.

I now find myself getting unsolicited advice and tips on things I already know or don’t need feedback on, meanwhile cannot find help among countless “helpers” to solve the real problems. I feel alone in a sea of overzealous micromanagers, who haven’t the slightest clue about how to move the needle in the right direction, but somehow manage to feel themselves and present themselves as relevant. I see the hypocrisy, too, though because I am a “helper” and I could be described as a “micromanager”. However, I want to learn from and work with people who actually want to do real work, not just join the rat race, stick their elbows out and ride the wave of eager scientists scurrying towards an ever-shifting finish line.

Does anyone else relate? Or do I need to just “be more positive” and “be grateful” and perhaps “smile more”?